The truth behind the smile you see. Complex-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and dissociation. The start of it all was when I was 5 years old and I was sexually abused by a family member on multiple occasions. My 11 year old male cousin would come over to my house to play Barbies with me. While playing Barbies he would pull down his pants and make me perform oral sex on him. He threatened me not to tell anyone, so I feared telling anyone about it. Growing up, I did not have a close or open relationship with my mother. I never met my father and was practically raised by my grandmother. My mother worked a lot and eventually got married and she moved in with her husband. I didn’t get along with her husband so I stayed and lived with my grandmother. Throughout the years while growing up, I felt disbelief, shame, embarrassment, and guilt but I kept it to myself. This made me very shy and quiet while growing up. I got to the point in my life where I was able to keep pushing it out of my mind to keep going everyday. My coping strategy was to shut down all emotions, feelings and thoughts. I had lived on this way for so long that I didn’t know how to “feel” and didn’t have clear thoughts about anything. I often wonder if my life would have panned out differently if this didn’t happen to me when I was a child. My grandmother passed away when I was 16 and it put me into a dark place in my life. I was depressed and the friends I did have didn’t seem to be there for me when I was grieving with my grandma passing. I resorted to trying to meet new friends online. One day while I was in a chat room, I got a message from a guy on AIM. We talked for a little on AIM, off and on. After a week or so, he had asked if I wanted to come to New Castle, PA to hang out with him and his “brother”. I brought a friend with me as I had never been to New Castle, PA before. (Almost an hour drive from my house) When we got there and met them, the guy, “Styles”, told me to leave my car at his house and he would drive us around in his car. I seen he had a gun under his shirt. While driving around, he stopped at a drive thru and said he had to get something, he bought alcohol. He then took us to a motel he knew of in the area and said we’d hang out there for a little. He said we couldn’t hang out at his house since he lived with his grandma. When we arrived at the motel, he told us to wait in the car while he went in to get his room. He got the key and took us to the room. He then brought in the alcohol he bought at the drive thru and also some he already had in his car. I was just a 16 year old girl who went there to hang out and meet new friends. I never imagined my life in this type of a situation with an adult man, who told me he was a teenager online. It was starting to get late and I asked when we could go back to get my car to go home and he said “in a little.” He poured me a drink and insisted I drink with him, not knowing what kind of drink it was or what he put in it. I remember sitting on the bed and telling him I was getting tired and I needed to go get my car to get back home. I started feeling weird from whatever drink he had made me and at this point I blacked out, totally unconscious. I remember coming back into consciousness for a few seconds, feeling him inside of me, as I was laying down on the bed, with “Styles” on top of me, raping me. He was holding my arms down besides my head and when he seen me opening my eyes, he threw a pillow on top of my face before I could even begin to open my mouth to scream or say anything. I blacked back out and woke up some time later with my clothes back on. He put my clothes back on me while I was blacked out and unconscious. There was no one to help me, everyone was asleep. I could not do anything but lay there and cry quietly, in fear of waking him up and something else happening to me. In the morning, I remember seeing a tattoo on his stomach that said “Thug Life” and his gun he carried was on the bed. He told me that I better never say anything to anyone of what had happened and that he knew where I lived. I didn’t question him, not knowing how he would know where I lived, as I never told him. He must have went through my purse while I was blacked out and unconscious and looked at my license. In the morning he drove us back to his grandmas house to get my car and we left. I was embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened, I couldn’t speak about it. I felt threatened and feared retaliation from him. A week later, he messaged me and threatened me to come back to the house in New Castle. It was late at night and not being in the right state of mind and fearing he would show up at my house, as he now knew where I lived, I drove out there. When I arrived at his grandmas house, he had me walk to the side door of the house which led down to the basement, where he lived at his grandmas and she lived upstairs. When I got into the basement, his brother “Bubba” was there and “Styles” made me give my car keys to him and then he gave my keys to his brother. His brother stole my car so I had no way of getting home. “Styles” then made me stand and take off all of my clothes and get fully nude. He had me sit on the couch in the basement (which he would refer to as “The Dungeon”). He then grabbed me by the arm and pulled me on top of him and forced his penis inside of me. He held me by my sides so forcefully that I couldn’t move my body. He yelled at me and said I better moan and scream, as I was doing nothing but trying to hold back tears. After he raped me again, he then left me on the couch. I laid there until I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I seen my keys and assumed my car was back in the driveway. I got my keys and drove back home. The following week I got another threatening message from him, demanding me to come back to his grandmas house. I was afraid to see what would happen if I didn’t go. This time I asked another friend to come with me, thinking it would make this time different. I didn’t explain to her what happened to me prior to going this time. When we got to his grandmas house, he had us park across the street and come to the side door of the house. When we got into the basement, he introduced us to one of his friends. We were sitting around talking and something “Styles” said upset me. My friend got in his face and they got into an argument over it. I calmed her down and told her I was ok, in fear of him doing something to us, he always kept a gun at his side. Everything was within a small area in the corner of the basement where he lived, his bed, a couch and the floor in between the two. I was sitting on the floor to distance myself from where he was sitting on the bed. He pulled me by my arm into his bed and tried ripping my pants off of me. I tried pulling them back on and he grabbed me by the wrist/arm and said “stop it!” I said “No, you stop it!” Then he said “Be quiet there are people here” and he ripped my pants off all the way. He raped me again by forcing himself on top of me. He held onto my arms and forced his penis inside me. I laid there silently until he got off of me. Afterwards he asked his friend if he wanted to “f*ck” me too and they could make the sheets wet. His friend said “nah, I’m good” and shrugged it off as he was sitting across on the couch, with the friend I brought with me. I found my pants and put them back on when “Styles” got up and walked away. I then laid on the edge of the bed until morning. When my friend woke up in the morning, we got our purses and went home. I never said anything to her on the way home, assuming she knew what had happened. We lost touch in our friendship. After the third time, I knew I had to do something to change the situation. I stayed to myself and I started talking to my now husband. From that moment on, I stopped letting the fear and threats overcome me, that the guy “Styles” would make to me. I stayed around home and went to school and work. I spent my free time with my now husband. I did the best to get through my days by pushing the thoughts out of my mind like I did as a child. After a month or so, I threatened to kill myself and my mom called the police on me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the real reasoning and she took it upon herself to believe I was depressed with my grandmas passing, which was some of it too. She then took me to the doctor for antidepressants and took me to counseling. I didn’t last long with the counseling. A few months later I tried taking a bottle of my antidepressant pills to kill myself, but my now husband was there with me and saved me from hurting myself. As my teenage and adult life went on, I struggled a lot with thoughts and flashbacks of what had happened to me. I researched the feelings and emotions I was having and read about a therapy called EMDR. I knew I had to get help to be able to move forward in my life, as I had a family that needed me to be there for them. I reached out to a psychiatrist who prescribed me medicine and had me see a therapist who worked with him. I started counseling and EMDR therapy. Throughout therapy, the therapist helped me with my thoughts, feelings, flashbacks and emotions. The therapist also helped me to be able to reach out to the police and report what happened to me. Once I did, they were willing to help me. They reached out to the District Attorney and set me up with a detective to assist. They got a lot of information, but not enough to pursue charges. This is where it’s left me to share my story, in the hopes of helping others who have gone through something similar. I’ve had many ups and downs but nothing could ever take back what has happened to me. As hard as my life has been and I try not to let it continue to be, at times it still is. I am thankful for my husband, who is always there for me, and my beautiful children. Without them by my side, I would not be where I’m at today. It’s a blessing to wake up everyday, all you can do is be happy, pray and keep faith.